embarrassed and ashamed - reached out to old friends and was very nicely rejected

I’m 25F and have bipolar 2. Long story short, 2020/2021 was a tough year as it was before I had a diagnosis and was suffering greatly.

I’m not just blaming my actions solely on my moods — I was also just an asshole. I ended up losing my friend group of girls that I’d been friends with for 7 years because I was a selfish jerk. I missed one of their birthday celebrations to hang out with my boyfriend and then rolled up to the party late with my boyfriend and I in pajamas unannounced. I thought showing up in some sense was better than nothing — not thinking about how disrespectful that was. I should’ve just skipped out and not shown up at all. My friend whose birthday it was told me this greatly hurt her and I basically told her it wasn’t a big deal and she shouldn’t be mad at me. (I can’t believe I responded this way now)

Anyway, that was about 3.5 years ago. I haven’t talked to any of these girls since. I’ve secretly missed them dearly. This left a huge hole in my heart that I haven’t been able to fill with new friends. I’ve tried but none of my new friends get me quite like those old ones do, and I also crave having a friend group again rather than only a few individual friends.

I like to think I’m a much more stable and mature person now and could be a much better friend now. I’m medicated and while I’m still moody I’m much better than before and can communicate healthily.

Anyway, I reached out to them today in a group message and apologized for the way I treated them years back and told them how grateful I am for the experience of being friends with them during those years. I asked if they would want to rekindle or keep the chapter closed. Only 1/3 of them responded. This girl so nicely told me she appreciated the message, wished me the best, but would prefer to keep the chapter closed. Something about her kindness in her rejection stings so much worse than if she had said something snarky.

Now I’m feeling so ashamed and feel so unworthy of love and friendship. I feel defective like something must be deeply wrong with me for my friends of 7 years to not even want to catch up one more time with me. I get that I fucked up, but I dunno, I just feel like if one of my friends of 7 years apologized almost 4 years later, I would happily meet up with them over brunch or take them back. Maybe I really was just such a burden.

I don’t even know how to go on in trying to pursue new friendships when my old friends hate me so much.